English Messages/ Jokes

😂😂 The best advertisement line against Pizza, Pasta, Burger, French Fries n all junk food:-  "Few moments on Lips, Forever on Hips!!"  😜😜😜😜😜😜 _______________________________

A good medical QUOTE:- Obesity is not because it runs in the family!!!!! It is because, no one runs in the family!!!!! 😄😄😄😄

Have a Healthy Lifestyle 🍏🍒🍅

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👨🏻 father     : father in law

👩🏻 mother   : mother in law

👶🏻 son          : son in law

👧🏻 daughter : daughter in law

👦🏻 brother   : brother in law

👱🏻‍♀ sister       : sister in law

👵🏻 wife          : ????

*She Is The Law*

       😀😂😜

👏👏👏😇👏👏👏

Dedicated to all married friends

👴🏻 Husband    : ?????

_Follow the Law_ 🤣

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I was amazed at the percentages (of XIIth exam results) posted by proud parents on the social media... 99%, 98% etc...

The only time I have gotten close to that percentage is when charging my cellphone... 😜

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The question asked was -What changes from liquid to solid at a very high temperature?

USA said science does not support it.

France said absurd question.

U.K said Google has no answer.

Japan said They didn't know.

India said "Loosu pasangala

The answer is

Idli"😜😜😜😜😜

I

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Hi Level Technical Jokes: 😜😜😜😜👌👌👌

Scientists were playing hide & seek in heaven.

Einstein was seeker.

Newton didn't hide & stood in a square of 1 meter.

Einstein: I found u Newton !! Thhappa !!!

Newton: U are Wrong.

I am not Newton.

As I am standing in 1 mtr square, I am Newton/per mt sq.

So I am Pascal..😛😛😛😛😛

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Q: What did the thermometer say to the graduated cylinder?

A: "You may have graduated but I've got so many degrees" 🏮👻🏮

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Did you hear oxygen and magnesium dating together?

OMg!! 😱😱😱

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What if Oxygen went on a date with Potassium?

Its OK.. 😉😉😉

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Atom 1: I just lost an electron.

Atom 2:how u feel?

Atom 1: positive😛😳😛

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Q:What do you get when you put a Cobalt & 2 iron atoms in mixer

CoFFee 😛☕😜

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What do you get after reaction of a Barium atom with  two sodium atoms...

BaNaNa 🍌🍌🍌

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And finally ....

Can't end without a movie dialogue 😄😂

Electron to neutron : mere pass charge hai , spin hai, magnetic field hai, reactivity hai ... Tumhare pass kya hai

Neutron : mere pass.....

MASS hai

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Keep laughing ...& try to make your life humorous

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Akshay Kumar created the Group..

Katrina- Hiiiiiii...

Priyanka - Bol chameli😠..

Kareena - hahaha😂😂😂

Sahid - Hey bebo...

Kareena Left..

Saif Left..

Priyanka - Sahid.. Tum Kareena k chamche ho..

Sahid Left..

SRK - Muje jungali billi bahut pasand hai..

Salman - Toh jungle me ja na.. 😆

Aamir - Aur Mannat mere naam kr dena..😜

SRK - Chup be bhikhari..

Anushka - Koi London chalega mere sath???

Akshay added 9991****00..

Anushka - Yeh kaun hai???

 Salman - Virat Kohli.. 😆

Anushka Left..

SRK - I'm second richest actor in the world..

Salman - Tiger zinda he bete..

Aamir - Ho jaye dangal..??

Deepika - Akki.. Yeh 3 fir se shuru ho gaye.. Kuchh karo..

Akshay added 9975*****8

SRK - Yeh kaun hai Akki??

Akshay - Bhai apna introduction de jara..

9975*****8 ( Prabhas) - Amrendra Baahubali, yani main........

Srk Left

Salman Left

Aamir Left

😂😂😂😂😂

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While getting married, most of the guys say to girl's parents,

"I will keep your daughter happy for the rest of her life"

Have you ever heard a girl saying something like this to the boy's parents ??????

like "I will keep your son happy for the rest of his life"

NOOO .... BECAUSE WOMEN DON'T TELL LIES 😀😜

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

A small argument between a couple turns violent.

HUSBAND SAYS: Don’t let the animal in me come out.

WIFE REPLIES: Who’s afraid of a mouse!!!

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

If wife wants husband’s attention, she just has to look sad and uncomfortable.

If husband wants wife’s attention, he just has to look comfortable & happy.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

A Philosopher HUSBAND said:- Every WIFE is a ‘Mistress’ of her Husband…

“Miss” for first year & “Stress” for rest of the life…

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Do you remember the tingling feeling when you took the decision to get married?

That was common sense leaving your body.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

SON : Dad, l got selected for a role in a play for annual day!

DAD : What role are you playing?

SON : A husband!

DAD : Stupid, ask for a role with dialogues!

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Man outside phone booth: “Excuse me you are holding phone since 29 minutes and you haven’t spoken a word”.

Man inside: “i am talking to my wife”

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

A very intelligent man was asked the meaning of marriage.. he said- “sacrificing the admiration of hundred women, to face the criticism of one dictator”

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

Position of a husband is just like a Split AC, No matter how loud he is outdoor, He is designed to remain silent indoor!

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Husband to wife : U should learn to embrace your mistakes…..

SHE HUGGED HIM IMMEDIATELY . ..… 👏👏

😂😂😂😂

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*Symptoms Of Inner Peace*

1) Frequent Attacks Of *Smiling*

2) Frequent Overwhelming Episodes Of *Appreciation*

3) Loss Of Interest In *Judging* Other People

4) Loss Of Ability To *Worry*

5) Tendency To Act Based On *Hope* Rather Than On Fear

6) Ability To *Enjoy Each Moment*

7) Ability To *Give & Receive Love* (inspite of life's problems)

8) *Sharing* Whatever Little You Have With People Having Less In Life

If Symptoms Persist ....

Just *THANK GOD!*

😊👍

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No wonder Prabhas got 6000 marriage proposals after Bahubali😝😝

The reason why ladies love Amarendra Baahubali is  not that he is handsome, good fighter or his ability to control elephants.... but his ability to say

"Amma, you are wrong.. My wife is right!!" 😜😜

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Once a ADVOCATE was travelling by train in A/c class.  He was traveling from Mumbai to Bangalore! 🚉

He was traveling alone!

Some time later, a Beautiful lady came and sat in the opposite berth!

Advocate was pleasantly Happy!

The lady kept smiling at him!  This made d Advocate even more Happy!

Then she went and sat next to him!

The Advocate was bubbling with Joy!

She then leant towards him and whispered in his ear..

"Hand over all your valuables, cash, cards, mobile phone to me

else I will shout and tell everybody that you are  harassing and misbehaving with me.."

The Advocate stared blankly at her!

He took out a paper and a pen from his bag and wrote

"I can not hear or speak. You write on this paper whatever you want to say.."

The lady wrote everything what she said earlier and gave it to him!

Advocate took her note, kept it in his pocket!

He got up and told her in clear tones..

"Now shout & scream!!"

MORAL OF THE STORY :

*DOCUMENTATION IS VERY IMPORTANT* 😜😜

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HOW TO INSTALL HUSBAND :

A woman writes to the IT Technical support Guy :-

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance. This is particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0!

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled another

valuable program, Romance 9.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0, MONEY 3.0 and CRICKET 4.1

What can I do?

Rgds

Xxxx

Reply :

Dear Madam,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment  Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command- ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 , then only it will automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5 , Beer 6.1 or Whisky 6.8

Also DO NOT disturb the original package of Husband 1.0 Otherwise new virus Girlfriend 2.5 will automatically be downloaded into your system.

So please be careful!

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program.

These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0

We recommend: Cooking 3.0

Good Luck Madam !

Rgds

Xxxx

😂😂

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BANGALORE JOKES by Bangalorean....

👉If you throw a stone randomly in Bangalore, chances are, it will hit a dog or a software engineer.

While the dog may or may not have a strap around his neck, the software engineer will definitely have one ! 😜

👉In India we drive on the left of the road.

In Bangalore, we drive on what is left of the road !😜

👉Q: What is the easiest way of causing traffic accidents in Bengaluru?

A: Follow the traffic rules !😜

👉A guy is hunting for a house in Bengaluru.

Meets old lady who is a potential landlord.

Conversation goes thus:

Old lady: "Where do you work, son?"

Guy: "I work in Infosys."

Old lady: "Oh, that bus company! Sorry, we rent only to good IT people!"

It appears that Infosys operates more buses than BMTC in Bangaluru!

👉Bengaluru, where PG (Paying Guest) is the first business and IT, the second.😜

👉When someone says it's raining in Bengaluru, be sure to ask them which area, which lane and which road!

👉If a Bengalurean stops at a traffic light, others behind him stop too because :

The others conclude that he has spotted a

policeman that they themselves have not!😜

👉Bengaluru is the only city where distance is measured in units of time.😜

👉Rickshaw driver, grocery seller and common shop keeper think that you earn atleast 1 lakh per month if you are in IT sector.😜

👉Out of every 100 software engineers in Bengaluru,

90 are utterly frustrated and the rest have a gf/bf !😜or they are married.

👉Bus drivers use horns instead of brakes !😜

👉I quote: Bengaluru:

The City where more people know Java than Kannada !

👉Universal answer in Bengaluru is

"Adjust maadi!"

😜😜😜

*Power cuts are the only time the whole family assembles together and members speak to each other.

Seeing this, BESCOM has decided to have a tagline called "Connecting people by disconnecting power"!

Adjust Maadi!

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During a Robbery in Hong Kong, the Bank Robber shouted to everyone in the bank:

"Don't move. The Money belongs to the Government. Your Life belongs to You."

Everyone in the Bank laid down quietly.

This is called "Mind Changing Concept” Changing the Conventional Way of Thinking.

When a Lady lay on the Table provocatively, the Robber shouted at her:

"Please be Civilised! This is a Robbery and not a Rape!"

This is called "Being Professional” . Focus only on What You are Trained to do!

When the Bank Robbers returned Home, the Younger Robber (MBA Trained) told the older Robber (who has only completed Year 6 in Primary School):

"Big Brother, let's count how much we got."

The older Robber rebutted and said:

"You are very Stupid. There is so much Money it will take us a long time to count. Tonight, the TV News will tell us how much we Robbed from the Bank!"

This is called "Experience”

Nowadays, experience is more Important than Paper Qualifications!

After the Robbers had left, the Bank Manager told the Bank supervisor to call the Police quickly. But the Supervisor said to him:

"Wait! Let us take out $10 Million from the Bank for ourselves and add it to the $70 Million that we have previously Embezzled from the Bank”.

This is called "Swim with the Tide”

Converting an unfavorable situation to Your Advantage!

The Supervisor says: "It will be Good if there is a Robbery every month." 

This is called "Changing Priority”

Personal Happiness is more Important than Your Job”.

The next day, the TV News reported that $100 Million was taken from the Bank. The Robbers Counted and Counted and Counted, but they could only Count $20 Million.

 The Robbers were very Angry and Complained:

"We risked our Lives and only took $20 Million. The Bank Manager took $80 Million with a snap of his fingers. It looks like it is better to be Educated than to be a Thief!"

 This is called "Knowledge is worth as much as Gold!"

👆Must read ..Superb one. Lessons on Corporate Management in a nutshell !!

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Very touching message

 Wife

was in the

ICU 🚑

The husband

was unable

to control his tears

Doctor:

We are

trying our best

but

can't guarantee anything

Her body is not reacting

It seems she is in a coma

.

.

Husband:

Doctor

please save her

She is just 30 years old

and

the family needs her

.

.

Suddenly

something

happened

Miraculously

the ECG started beeping

like crazy

A hand moved

her lips mumbled

And

she spoke:

"I'm 29 " 😂😂

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A MAN WROTE IN HIS DIARY:
_____
Shaadi se pehle ek duaa maangi thi ...ki Ya Allah achha PAKANE wali biwi dena.
Saala, KHANA mention karna hi bhool gaya...;D

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nterviewer - so what's your email ID?

Me - sir, abc@xyz.com

Interviewer - and password?

Me - 12345678

Interviewer - you shared such a confidential information so easily for the job. How can we trust that you will not share any confidential information of the company for some better offers?

Me - Sir, I might have shared my password with you but I don't think you can still login to my email account. Let's look for the possibilities. My password can be

12345678

Or

Onetwothreefourfivesixseveneight

Or

1twothreefourfivesixseveneight

1twothreefourfivesixseven8….. so on

Or

2444666668888888 (one 2, three 4….)

13355557777778 (1, two 3, four 5……, 8)….. so on

Or

Combination of all of these…

By the way, did I mention use of capitals?
N
😜😝😜😝😜😝....
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Biggest dilemma for an environmentalist in Washroom:
'Should I save water or save paper?' 😜
Happy World Environment Day

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Wife: Where are you?
Husband : At home love.
Wife: Are you sure?
Husband: Yes.
Wife : Turn on the mixie
Husband : (turns mixie on) GaRrrreeereeeereeee...
Wife: Ok my love goodbye.

Another day......
Suspicious Wife: Where are you?
Husband : At home love. Wife: Are you sure?
Husband : Yes.
Wife: Turn on the mixie.
Husband: (turns mixie on) gaRrreeereeeereeee...
Wife: Ok my love goodbye.

The next day, the wife decides to go home without notice, and finds her son alone and she asks him, "Son, where is your father?"

Son: "I don't know, he went out with the mixie... 😑😬😳
😉😜😝😂😎😎

Now don't laugh alone forward it😂😂😂😂😂

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Question - What is a notice period?

Answer - The notice period is the time when the company actually starts noticing you.(after submitting your resignation) 😂